Holding difficult conversations

Communications / 08 August 2011

In a series for senior managers, Edge looks at the key issues facing leaders. In this masterclass, Scott Beagrie explains how to tackle difficult conversations

Facing up to a difficult situation and having tough conversations is something that most of us would rather avoid. But for leaders and managers, brushing issues under the carpet is the worst possible course of action, as ignoring problems instead of confronting them will often worsen the situation.

If problems are allowed to escalate, they will likely impact on the individual’s motivation and performance and, therefore, their productivity. Dr Karl Mackie, chief executive of the Centre for Effective Dispute Resolution (CEDR), points out that the typical mindset of leaders – forceful, visionary, determined and charismatic – won’t always naturally equip them well to initiate difficult conversations, “which can easily be the pre-cursor to a conflict situation,” he says.

According to CEDR’s 2010 Tough Talk survey, two thirds of managers admitted to a number of failings, including not being good at difficult conversations, which they saw as their main challenge. Other associated weaknesses included a tendency to ignore conflict, not investigating the facts and not ensuring everyone gets a fair hearing.

It should be recognised that not all emotions are expressed in ‘big’ or ‘extrovert’ ways, such as shouting with anger or bursting into tears. ‘Introvert’ expressions of emotion can be a lot harder to read and therefore more difficult to deal with, such as refusing to address a particular topic, speaking quietly or in short sentences and even shutting down communication entirely.

Dr Karl Mackie, CEO, Centre for Effective Dispute Resolution (CEDR)

Learning how to be better at having difficult conversations doesn’t so much require new skills as it does adopting the right attitude. Those who are good negotiators, for instance, will have most of the skills required already. A few subtle mindset changes, however, will mean managers will feel more ready to confront the need to have a difficult conversation and deal with the outcomes, enabling both sides to move on and progress. Finally, as a role model to the rest of the workforce or team, it is also important to be able to show others how to behave in such situations.

Prepare well in advance

Being ready is key, so before tackling a tough conversation head on, set aside time to reflect on the behaviour and attitude of the employee or team member you need to have the conversation with. Think carefully how the discussion might unfold, how the other person might react and what your strategy for managing their response will be.

Whether the conversation is concerned with poor performance, tackling a wrongdoing, improper behaviour or challenging a bad decision, consider the long term consequences of not having the conversation. This in itself will usually be sufficient to prompt you to step in.

Focus on the problem

Schedule a meeting venue where you can talk privately and won’t be interrupted. Be clear about the issues you intend to raise and what you want the conversation to achieve. Stick to the facts and ensure the discussion doesn’t meander away from the core problem. Be ready to listen and react reasonably to the situation. If there are underlying reasons for their behaviour you need to find a way of getting them to talk about it.

Rob Bailey, managing consultant at OPP, a business psychology consultancy, advises asking open questions rather than making directive statements – so ‘how do you think that client meeting went?’ rather than ‘that client meeting was a complete disaster’. “People are often more self-aware than you think so let them do some of the work for you,” he says. “If they respond to your question with ‘that meeting really didn’t go well’, this puts you in a good position to continue without making it sound like it’s an attack.”

Control your emotions

It is important to recognise the emotional content of the conversation, as dealing with it in an inappropriate way will prove counter-productive. As feelings can run high it is easy for the talk to turn into an argument. Bailey stresses that if this occurs, leaders must not get sidetracked into personalising the issue and listing all the other problems they have with the individual.

Mackie also cautions that the way in which a message is delivered can be more meaningful than the content itself. “It should be recognised that not all emotions are expressed in ‘big’ or ‘extrovert’ ways, such as shouting with anger or bursting into tears. ‘Introvert’ expressions of emotion can be a lot harder to read and therefore more difficult to deal with, such as refusing to address a particular topic, speaking quietly or in short sentences and even shutting down communication entirely,” he explains. “When confronted with this introvert expression, it may feel as if the other person has given up and you have won. However, the reality can be that an entrenched opposition has been created.”

Achieve a solution together

If you understand how both you and the other person are likely to react when facing up to a difficult conversation or conflict situation, you are more likely to reach a satisfactory outcome, particularly if this insight can influence your overall approach.

One method of identifying your natural conflict resolution style is to use the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) which is favoured by both CEDR and OPP. The five different styles are classified as: accommodating, competing, compromising, collaborating and avoiding. “Leaders should not assume that compromise is the best end-point as it might not truly resolve the situation and can build resentment among both parties,” says Bailey. “Collaborating, where both people are trying to make the situation better and move forward, is the ideal outcome.”

Support others

Try to chat through issues with members of your leadership peer group who can act as a sounding board. “While it may not be obvious to a manager how objective they are when entangled in a difficult discussion, a cool-headed second opinion from a peer can be very valuable,” says Bailey. In the wider context of organisational culture, Mackie also underlines that the key challenge for leaders is to set the right tone for communications to take place, something that the coaching of subordinate managers might help with. “This will ensure that when there are problems they are not left unaddressed but handled appropriately,” he says.